Introduction
I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. We have been TTC for almost 5 months at that time and somehow I just knew that I was going to conceive this month. I just had that feeling. I was so prepared, I bought the pregnancy test as soon as I missed my period on the second day. I still remember how anxious I was that I could not wait to test my first urine the next day.
I woke up very early in the morning, it was a Monday morning, rushed out to the toilet, and I got a very faint second line. I took a picture and I googled what does it mean. Many said that because you tested at a very early stage, it could be that the HCG level was still too low during the first week of pregnancy, hence, the faint line. I did not want to get a false hope and I remembered that I was telling myself, "God why can't it be just a Yes and No answer." I was still very happy and excited but I was also telling myself that if this time still does not work, it means that you just need to be patience. It is not all up to you, it is all God's timing. He gives and He takes away. In the end, it will all be good. All the time, God is good.
I made a decision that I need to test again using the digital test, just to be sure, as I don't want to get my husband all excited and worked up only to find out that it was a false alarm. So I bought another test, and I could not wait for the next morning to come. I remembered that I could not sleep that night, my mind was just wondering and when I finally went to sleep, I woke up around 3 am and I just had the urge to test it again. So, I went ahead and test it. It was the most terrible 3 minutes I had in my life. I kept praying for the whole 3 minutes as the hour glass thingy keep goes on and on and on. When the result came out, I was overjoyed and I was super excited as it displayed "PREGNANT 1-2", it was the most beautiful result I have ever waited for in my entire life. I just could not explain how happy I was to see the result. Gosh, at that time I just could not wait to tell my husband about it.
I went back to bed, hubby still snoring. I did not want to tell him the good news right away when he was still in his dreamland. So I decided to wait and go back to bed. I was so excited, I could not get myself to go back to sleep. I just very excited that I need to let the good news out. But I retained it, I ended up just keep talking to my snoring hubby while teasing him a little bit, until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I decided to tell him through a posted box where I will put couple of pictures of the HPT and couple of baby facts of how far my pregnancy was back then. So, during lunch time, I printed out couple of pictures and I put them in the box together with the 2 HPT I took earlier. When I came home from work, I just quickly put the box in out mailbox and I asked him to check the mailbox. He went ahead and checked the mail box and found the box. As he opened the box, I was filming his reactions and he was surprised to find out about the pregnancy. We were so happy, we started to tell our parents and I was sending the video to brother. My brother was so funny, he literally just arrived at the gym when he got the video footage and he immediately called me up and he booked us a table at Sheraton and we celebrated that night. I was so happy, we were so happy.
So we booked in our first visit with our GP. It was going to be the next Wednesday. So I was having these early pregnancy symptoms, sore nipples and tender breast, those are the most obvious ones for me. Everything was going well, I still feel the symptoms up until Sunday morning. I woke up on that day and my whole body just feels different from the last weeks. My nipples were not sore anymore, my breast was not tender. It freaked me out. I immediately search online and found that symptoms come and go, that there is no need to be panic. I calm down a bit, but I still feel very anxious about it. I waited till around 2 days and my symptoms had not come back yet. I felt less fatigue, my body temperature was not that hot anymore. and I just had this feeling that I was not pregnant anymore. It scared me to death.
It was Tuesday when I asked my hubby to get me another pregnancy test, I just want to be cautious before we had our first appointment with the GP. The next morning, I tested my urine and it showed that I was still pregnant. Boy, I was overjoyed. The feeling was just very soothing. I went to work like a normal day, and it was around 10 am when I got a very light cramping. I thought that I just need to go to the toilet. So i went, and gosh was I so surprised to find that I was bleeding. I was so scared as it was not just spotting. It was dark brown blood. I googled, it could be just an implantation bleeding I thought. But as I wiped, there was blood clot. Not very big but several small ones. I took the picture and I told my hubby. He immediately came and brought me my pads and new underwear. He calmed me down and told me that everything was going to be okay. But inside me, I just knew that it was not okay. I was bleeding a lot. It was not just spotting.
We went in for our first appointment with our GP and I immediately told her that I tested positive last week but I was bleeding this morning and the bleeding had not stopped. She calmed me down and she explain that it is very common to bleed out during the first couple of weeks as the body start preparing for the growing baby inside of me. She asked me to take some urine test to make sure that the bleeding was not coming from infection, and we also did a blood test to check the HCG level, as in the normal pregnancy, your HCG level should double in the next 48 hours. So we took the urine test and also the blood test Wednesday night and we had to come back Friday morning to do another blood test and came in the afternoon for the test result.
At that point in my life, it was just the longest 48 hours in my life. I'd never imagine that I could be so vulnerable and so fragile that I could be so negative about all things. My hubby was just very supportive, he was the kind of guy that keeps his positivity while I was all about the worst case scenario. He kept me calm and kept encouraging me although I have already lost hope at that time. He then sang for me a worship song, titled Give me Faith, and sang to me until I was asleep.
I was a bit more calm on the Friday morning. My attitude was just, "It is God who gives and it is his right to take away. If this is not the one, please just give me strength to go through it and give me patience to wait for your Promise."
Fast forward, we came in that afternoon and the result was out. My HCG level on Wednesday was already very low, it was only 24, hence I was not feeling all that early pregnancy symptoms anymore. HCG level on Friday morning had come down to 10, resulting in miscarriage. From Wednesday morning till today, I am still bleeding. As much as I have already known that I am going to lose this baby, I really just could not control all the mixed emotion I have in me. I cry a lot and I feel so upset, so sad that I could not bear the fact that I have lost my baby.
Of course the question I had to my GP was, how soon can we TTC again and should I be going under treatment for the miscarriage or my body can naturally flush it out. As I was still very early in the pregnancy, my GP said that my body will just naturally flush it out. But if the bleeding did not stop for 10 days, I was asked to check in again to runs some test to make sure there is no infection. And as soon as I finish my period after the miscarriage, we can try again and it will be totally fine says my GP.
Friday night I was as broken and as vulnerable as I ever be in my life. Nothing so far has put me down like this. I kept on telling myself that God is still in control. I was being reminded of one of my dream back then, when life let me down, that no matter how broken and shattered you are, as long as you bring everything, every pieces of your broken heart to God, He will mould it and He will turn the broken pieces into a very beautiful thing that even you could not imagine. This thought give me strength for the rest of Friday night. Of course I told my mom and then my brother came over to see me at night. He cheered me up and dragged me to MacDonald to have some macaroons. He even brought over wine for my desperate soul. But I rejected the wine.
It is just Saturday and the emotion keeps coming back. Then I remembered that I have to prepared some slideshow for my kids church lesson on Sunday morning. With a heavy heart, I started flicking through the pages. I read the title, GOD PLANS GOOD FOR HIS CHILDREN. The memory verse for that week is JEREMIAH 29:11.
This is not the first time that I prepared a lesson for the kids church and I am end up being the one who is thoroughly blessed by the lesson. It is like, My Father does not want me to go through the pain all alone. He comforts me by showing me that He cares, He cares for me. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I cry.
As much as it hurts, I just want to choose to see WHAT GOD CAN DO and not what have I done wrong. I want to choose to have joy and to have faith for every situation in my life where I just could not understand why. I choose to believe in God's promise and to only rest in His everlasting Love.
I really hope that this story can comfort those who have experienced the same things with me as I find it really soothing to be able to share my story as well as to hear other people story. I wish that in every situation I am in, I just want to glorify His name and let every story of mine bear His Love.
Much Love!
I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. We have been TTC for almost 5 months at that time and somehow I just knew that I was going to conceive this month. I just had that feeling. I was so prepared, I bought the pregnancy test as soon as I missed my period on the second day. I still remember how anxious I was that I could not wait to test my first urine the next day.
I woke up very early in the morning, it was a Monday morning, rushed out to the toilet, and I got a very faint second line. I took a picture and I googled what does it mean. Many said that because you tested at a very early stage, it could be that the HCG level was still too low during the first week of pregnancy, hence, the faint line. I did not want to get a false hope and I remembered that I was telling myself, "God why can't it be just a Yes and No answer." I was still very happy and excited but I was also telling myself that if this time still does not work, it means that you just need to be patience. It is not all up to you, it is all God's timing. He gives and He takes away. In the end, it will all be good. All the time, God is good.
I made a decision that I need to test again using the digital test, just to be sure, as I don't want to get my husband all excited and worked up only to find out that it was a false alarm. So I bought another test, and I could not wait for the next morning to come. I remembered that I could not sleep that night, my mind was just wondering and when I finally went to sleep, I woke up around 3 am and I just had the urge to test it again. So, I went ahead and test it. It was the most terrible 3 minutes I had in my life. I kept praying for the whole 3 minutes as the hour glass thingy keep goes on and on and on. When the result came out, I was overjoyed and I was super excited as it displayed "PREGNANT 1-2", it was the most beautiful result I have ever waited for in my entire life. I just could not explain how happy I was to see the result. Gosh, at that time I just could not wait to tell my husband about it.
I went back to bed, hubby still snoring. I did not want to tell him the good news right away when he was still in his dreamland. So I decided to wait and go back to bed. I was so excited, I could not get myself to go back to sleep. I just very excited that I need to let the good news out. But I retained it, I ended up just keep talking to my snoring hubby while teasing him a little bit, until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I decided to tell him through a posted box where I will put couple of pictures of the HPT and couple of baby facts of how far my pregnancy was back then. So, during lunch time, I printed out couple of pictures and I put them in the box together with the 2 HPT I took earlier. When I came home from work, I just quickly put the box in out mailbox and I asked him to check the mailbox. He went ahead and checked the mail box and found the box. As he opened the box, I was filming his reactions and he was surprised to find out about the pregnancy. We were so happy, we started to tell our parents and I was sending the video to brother. My brother was so funny, he literally just arrived at the gym when he got the video footage and he immediately called me up and he booked us a table at Sheraton and we celebrated that night. I was so happy, we were so happy.
So we booked in our first visit with our GP. It was going to be the next Wednesday. So I was having these early pregnancy symptoms, sore nipples and tender breast, those are the most obvious ones for me. Everything was going well, I still feel the symptoms up until Sunday morning. I woke up on that day and my whole body just feels different from the last weeks. My nipples were not sore anymore, my breast was not tender. It freaked me out. I immediately search online and found that symptoms come and go, that there is no need to be panic. I calm down a bit, but I still feel very anxious about it. I waited till around 2 days and my symptoms had not come back yet. I felt less fatigue, my body temperature was not that hot anymore. and I just had this feeling that I was not pregnant anymore. It scared me to death.
It was Tuesday when I asked my hubby to get me another pregnancy test, I just want to be cautious before we had our first appointment with the GP. The next morning, I tested my urine and it showed that I was still pregnant. Boy, I was overjoyed. The feeling was just very soothing. I went to work like a normal day, and it was around 10 am when I got a very light cramping. I thought that I just need to go to the toilet. So i went, and gosh was I so surprised to find that I was bleeding. I was so scared as it was not just spotting. It was dark brown blood. I googled, it could be just an implantation bleeding I thought. But as I wiped, there was blood clot. Not very big but several small ones. I took the picture and I told my hubby. He immediately came and brought me my pads and new underwear. He calmed me down and told me that everything was going to be okay. But inside me, I just knew that it was not okay. I was bleeding a lot. It was not just spotting.
We went in for our first appointment with our GP and I immediately told her that I tested positive last week but I was bleeding this morning and the bleeding had not stopped. She calmed me down and she explain that it is very common to bleed out during the first couple of weeks as the body start preparing for the growing baby inside of me. She asked me to take some urine test to make sure that the bleeding was not coming from infection, and we also did a blood test to check the HCG level, as in the normal pregnancy, your HCG level should double in the next 48 hours. So we took the urine test and also the blood test Wednesday night and we had to come back Friday morning to do another blood test and came in the afternoon for the test result.
At that point in my life, it was just the longest 48 hours in my life. I'd never imagine that I could be so vulnerable and so fragile that I could be so negative about all things. My hubby was just very supportive, he was the kind of guy that keeps his positivity while I was all about the worst case scenario. He kept me calm and kept encouraging me although I have already lost hope at that time. He then sang for me a worship song, titled Give me Faith, and sang to me until I was asleep.
I was a bit more calm on the Friday morning. My attitude was just, "It is God who gives and it is his right to take away. If this is not the one, please just give me strength to go through it and give me patience to wait for your Promise."
Fast forward, we came in that afternoon and the result was out. My HCG level on Wednesday was already very low, it was only 24, hence I was not feeling all that early pregnancy symptoms anymore. HCG level on Friday morning had come down to 10, resulting in miscarriage. From Wednesday morning till today, I am still bleeding. As much as I have already known that I am going to lose this baby, I really just could not control all the mixed emotion I have in me. I cry a lot and I feel so upset, so sad that I could not bear the fact that I have lost my baby.
Of course the question I had to my GP was, how soon can we TTC again and should I be going under treatment for the miscarriage or my body can naturally flush it out. As I was still very early in the pregnancy, my GP said that my body will just naturally flush it out. But if the bleeding did not stop for 10 days, I was asked to check in again to runs some test to make sure there is no infection. And as soon as I finish my period after the miscarriage, we can try again and it will be totally fine says my GP.
Friday night I was as broken and as vulnerable as I ever be in my life. Nothing so far has put me down like this. I kept on telling myself that God is still in control. I was being reminded of one of my dream back then, when life let me down, that no matter how broken and shattered you are, as long as you bring everything, every pieces of your broken heart to God, He will mould it and He will turn the broken pieces into a very beautiful thing that even you could not imagine. This thought give me strength for the rest of Friday night. Of course I told my mom and then my brother came over to see me at night. He cheered me up and dragged me to MacDonald to have some macaroons. He even brought over wine for my desperate soul. But I rejected the wine.
It is just Saturday and the emotion keeps coming back. Then I remembered that I have to prepared some slideshow for my kids church lesson on Sunday morning. With a heavy heart, I started flicking through the pages. I read the title, GOD PLANS GOOD FOR HIS CHILDREN. The memory verse for that week is JEREMIAH 29:11.
This is not the first time that I prepared a lesson for the kids church and I am end up being the one who is thoroughly blessed by the lesson. It is like, My Father does not want me to go through the pain all alone. He comforts me by showing me that He cares, He cares for me. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I cry.
As much as it hurts, I just want to choose to see WHAT GOD CAN DO and not what have I done wrong. I want to choose to have joy and to have faith for every situation in my life where I just could not understand why. I choose to believe in God's promise and to only rest in His everlasting Love.
I really hope that this story can comfort those who have experienced the same things with me as I find it really soothing to be able to share my story as well as to hear other people story. I wish that in every situation I am in, I just want to glorify His name and let every story of mine bear His Love.
Much Love!
