My Miscarriage Story at Almost 5 Weeks

Introduction


I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. We have been TTC for almost 5 months at that time and somehow I just knew that I was going to conceive this month. I just had that feeling. I was so prepared, I bought the pregnancy test as soon as I missed my period on the second day. I still remember how anxious I was that I could not wait to test my first urine the next day.

I woke up very early in the morning, it was a Monday morning, rushed out to the toilet, and I got a very faint second line. I took a picture and I googled what does it mean. Many said that because you tested at a very early stage, it could be that the HCG level was still too low during the first week of pregnancy, hence, the faint line. I did not want to get a false hope and I remembered that I was telling myself, "God why can't it be just a Yes and No answer." I was still very happy and excited but I was also telling myself that if this time still does not work, it means that you just need to be patience. It is not all up to you, it is all God's timing. He gives and He takes away. In the end, it will all be good. All the time, God is good.

I made a decision that I need to test again using the digital test, just to be sure, as I don't want to get my husband all excited and worked up only to find out that it was a false alarm. So I bought another test, and I could not wait for the next morning to come. I remembered that I could not sleep that night, my mind was just wondering and when I finally went to sleep, I woke up around 3 am and I just had the urge to test it again. So, I went ahead and test it. It was the most terrible 3 minutes I had in my life. I kept praying for the whole 3 minutes as the hour glass thingy keep goes on and on and on. When the result came out, I was overjoyed and I was super excited as it displayed "PREGNANT 1-2", it was the most beautiful result I have ever waited for in my entire life. I just could not explain how happy I was to see the result. Gosh, at that time I just could not wait to tell my husband about it.

I went back to bed, hubby still snoring. I did not want to tell him the good news right away when he was still in his dreamland. So I decided to wait and go back to bed. I was so excited, I could not get myself to go back to sleep. I just very excited that I need to let the good news out. But I retained it, I ended up just keep talking to my snoring hubby while teasing him a little bit, until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I decided to tell him through a posted box where I will put couple of pictures of the HPT and couple of baby facts of how far my pregnancy was back then. So, during lunch time, I printed out couple of pictures and I put them in the box together with the 2 HPT I took earlier. When I came home from work, I just quickly put the box in out mailbox and I asked him to check the mailbox. He went ahead and checked the mail box and found the box. As he opened the box, I was filming his reactions and he was surprised to find out about the pregnancy. We were so happy, we started to tell our parents and I was sending the video to brother. My brother was so funny, he literally just arrived at the gym when he got the video footage and he immediately called me up and he booked us a table at Sheraton and we celebrated that night. I was so happy, we were so happy.

So we booked in our first visit with our GP. It was going to be the next Wednesday. So I was having these early pregnancy symptoms, sore nipples and tender breast, those are the most obvious ones for me. Everything was going well, I still feel the symptoms up until Sunday morning. I woke up on that day and my whole body just feels different from the last weeks. My nipples were not sore anymore, my breast was not tender. It freaked me out. I immediately search online and found that symptoms come and go, that there is no need to be panic. I calm down a bit, but I still feel very anxious about it. I waited till around 2 days and my symptoms had not come back yet. I felt less fatigue, my body temperature was not that hot anymore. and I just had this feeling that I was not pregnant anymore. It scared me to death.

It was Tuesday when I asked my hubby to get me another pregnancy test, I just want to be cautious before we had our first appointment with the GP. The next morning, I tested my urine and it showed that I was still pregnant. Boy, I was overjoyed. The feeling was just very soothing. I went to work like a normal day, and it was around 10 am when I got a very light cramping. I thought that I just need to go to the toilet. So i went, and gosh was I so surprised to find that I was bleeding. I was so scared as it was not just spotting. It was dark brown blood. I googled, it could be just an implantation bleeding I thought. But as I wiped, there was blood clot. Not very big but several small ones. I took the picture and I told my hubby. He immediately came and brought me my pads and new underwear. He calmed me down and told me that everything was going to be okay. But inside me, I just knew that it was not okay. I was bleeding a lot. It was not just spotting.

We went in for our first appointment with our GP and I immediately told her that I tested positive last week but I was bleeding this morning and the bleeding had not stopped. She calmed me down and she explain that it is very common to bleed out during the first couple of weeks as the body start preparing for the growing baby inside of me. She asked me to take some urine test to make sure that the bleeding was not coming from infection, and we also did a blood test to check the HCG level, as in the normal pregnancy, your HCG level should double in the next 48 hours. So we took the urine test and also the blood test Wednesday night and we had to come back Friday morning to do another blood test and came in the afternoon for the test result.

At that point in my life, it was just the longest 48 hours in my life. I'd never imagine that I could be so vulnerable and so fragile that I could be so negative about all things. My hubby was just very supportive, he was the kind of guy that keeps his positivity while I was all about the worst case scenario. He kept me calm and kept encouraging me although I have already lost hope at that time. He then sang for me a worship song, titled Give me Faith, and sang to me until I was asleep.

I was a bit more calm on the Friday morning. My attitude was just, "It is God who gives and it is his right to take away. If this is not the one, please just give me strength to go through it and give me patience to wait for your Promise."

Fast forward, we came in that afternoon and the result was out. My HCG level on Wednesday was already very low, it was only 24, hence I was not feeling all that early pregnancy symptoms anymore. HCG level on Friday morning had come down to 10, resulting in miscarriage. From Wednesday morning till today, I am still bleeding. As much as I have already known that I am going to lose this baby, I really just could not control all the mixed emotion I have in me. I cry a lot and I feel so upset, so sad that I could not bear the fact that I have lost my baby.

Of course the question I had to my GP was, how soon can we TTC again and should I be going under treatment for the miscarriage or my body can naturally flush it out. As I was still very early in the pregnancy, my GP said that my body will just naturally flush it out. But if the bleeding did not stop for 10 days, I was asked to check in again to runs some test to make sure there is no infection. And as soon as I finish my period after the miscarriage, we can try again and it will be totally fine says my GP.

Friday night I was as broken and as vulnerable as I ever be in my life. Nothing so far has put me down like this. I kept on telling myself that God is still in control. I was being reminded of one of my dream back then, when life let me down, that no matter how broken and shattered you are, as long as you bring everything, every pieces of your broken heart to God, He will mould it and He will turn the broken pieces into a very beautiful thing that even you could not imagine. This thought give me strength for the rest of Friday night. Of course I told my mom and then my brother came over to see me at night. He cheered me up and dragged me to MacDonald to have some macaroons. He even brought over wine for my desperate soul. But I rejected the wine.

It is just Saturday and the emotion keeps coming back. Then I remembered that I have to prepared some slideshow for my kids church lesson on Sunday morning. With a heavy heart, I started flicking through the pages. I read the title, GOD PLANS GOOD FOR HIS CHILDREN. The memory verse for that week is JEREMIAH 29:11.

This is not the first time that I prepared a lesson for the kids church and I am end up being the one who is thoroughly blessed by the lesson. It is like, My Father does not want me to go through the pain all alone. He comforts me by showing me that He cares, He cares for me. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I cry.

As much as it hurts, I just want to choose to see WHAT GOD CAN DO and not what have I done wrong. I want to choose to have joy and to have faith for every situation in my life where I just could not understand why. I choose to believe in God's promise and to only rest in His everlasting Love.

I really hope that this story can comfort those who have experienced the same things with me as I find it really soothing to be able to share my story as well as to hear other people story. I wish that in every situation I am in, I just want to glorify His name and let every story of mine bear His Love.


Much Love!

After All This Time

Little Thing Yet The Most Important Thing Called LOVE

Hello My Twisted World...



When we talk about love, in most cases, 

no one ever sees it coming.

It comes out of a sudden and out of nowhere. 

It comes in a way that you least expected.

For whatever reason it may hold,

You know, at that very moment,

Your little world is complete.

It is obviously not a simple thing.

Although, many people often take it lightly or even take it for granted.

As the result, they might have to call it,

The thing that got away in the end of the story.

Most people experience it.

But only a few would have an happy ending.

Some cases are due to the pride,

Some are because of the in-conducive circumstances.

Most of them is because

Both parties have stopped trying

And their feelings are not as strong as before.

For those who are aware of the importance of it,

They call it LOVE

It is when

They can fully embrace the love affection,

Understand each other in the most outrageous ways possible.

And accept every flaw and every weakness in each other life,

Knowing that no one is perfect in the relationship and

They are bound to keep the love grows, 

Even in the most ridiculous period of time.

Then again, 

Due to the complexity,

Even those who have called it LOVE

Would end up miserably

And might find it hurt in the end.

Truth to be told,

You can never find a perfect love 

from this BROKEN world.

Every relationship has its own flaws

Where you can never find endless satisfaction.

It might satisfy you in one period of time but 

There are moments when you had enough of it.

Still, do not give up!

Our true satisfaction only comes from the ETERNAL LOVE

We are not meant to love with our broken pieces of heart.

Our heart must be whole again in the ETERNAL LOVE

In order for us to begin in loving someone else.

1 John 4:19

¹⁸ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. ¹⁹ We love because he first loved us.

Cheers,

Lil' Miss Something

All Too Well

Hello my twisted world,

In this post I will be talking about the song that I have been crazy in love with in the past few weeks. My relationship with music is always based on the similarity of my feelings and the lyrics from the song. I always find comfort in songs whenever I feel confuse, happy, hurt or anything. It feels like I can somehow relate to the feeling the song writer had when he or she wrote the song and I can get the message that they have been beautifully arrange into a song. In this case, most of my favourite songs are those with the story behind it. Not just a catchy melody but the message that I could relate to.

The song is coming from the Country Music's Reigning Queen, Ms. Taylor Swift!

Although her latest album, Red, is not really country anymore but I enjoy some of her songs because of the realness of the lyrics. I used to like all her songs without exception. I mean, her music is great, the lyrics are awesome and her voice is great. But for her new album, her music has somehow changed more to the pop music rather than country so I have lost interest in some tracks in the album Red. I am not saying that her music is not good anymore. No! Her music is still great! It is just that because I am not so into pop music.

Luckily, out of 22 tracks in the album I can still pick some favourites. My first pick will be the track number 5 with the title of "All Too Well".

This song somehow has reminded me about my post relationship condition where I still could picture every memories I had with him and I could remember them all too well. When she begins in the bridge with

"And I know it's long gone,

And that magic's not here no more,

And I might be okay,

But I'm not fine at all."

Snap! It really touched my heart and I knew from that very words, I will have this song on repeat in my iPhone for the next few months.

I might seem a little over dramatic towards the lyrics but I am a little fragile with relationship. I am not a kind of person who is fast to forget and it takes me quite some times to recover from the sting of the pain after a relationship. I know I may seem strong and tough from the outside but in my mind and in my heart, I know that I am not that strong. Sometimes, I still find myself crying at nights over things that I know has already over. I am not being fake here because I know and I accept that it is over. It is just my nature that I find it hard to move on that quickly. 

I only share a real close relationship once with someone I really care about. When it was over, I made a promise to myself that I would not jump into another relationship unless I could at least think about the future together with him. In other words, I want it to be a serious relationship because I know that I could not handle another heart break. But, little did I know, I am not that smart and sometimes I got carried away by my feelings and there, I had put my heart in the position to be broken again. 

"Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,

And maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.

Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.

So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

Cause I remember it all, all, all... too well."

After all, I know that every person in my life was or is or will be there for a reason. Every person is meant to cross my path for a reason. It is either for me to become a blessing for them or for me to learn something from them. 

Look at closely to the people around you. Yes! Even those who hurt you! They are there not just by accident. Learn to look at things or people more closely. Understand that every person in your life actually means something. They might be harsh on you or they might have hurt you severely. But just like me, in the end of their story in your life, you will always find that they actually have taught you something and because of them you have become stronger than you were yesterday. 

Cheers,

Lil' Miss Something

Jump Back On (Again)

Hello my twisted world...

Wow! I can't believe I have neglected my blog again. It is so hard for me to commit to this online blogging because I have so many things to do at the same time. I am not trying to find excuses but yeah sometimes it is hard for me just to jump on my lappie and start typing. But, I still keep journaling in my little note book every time I feel like I can't bear it anymore. I do not talk a lot so to ease my mind I share it through journaling or for times like this, it is on my blog-which is rare but I will try to do more of it.

From the last post, you guys have known little parts of me. It might be only a small part but for me, that's cool enough to begin with. I always believe that greater things always come from small things whether you realise it or not. We might begin from just small part of my story but I am sure it will be great.

It has been a year and 2 months since my last post and during those times, so many things have changed. There are some goals that I can finally achieve, and there are always some that are left unaccomplished. There are some problems that I can finally find the solutions for, but there are always new problems created along the way. Sometimes you are aware of the problem but most of the time it just comes crashing down into your world and rain on your parade.

Our lives are subject to change and I believe we all know this. But what we sometimes do not realise is that the changes come without any notice. It feels like our lives can change just in the blink of an eye or the snap of your fingers. And that's scary, at least for me.

I remember last year, my focus in life was to complete my bachelor degree so that I could put my nicest and biggest smile on my graduation day in the graduation gown, surrounded by the people I care and love dearly. I finally did it according to my original plan and I was so happy about it. Of course life was not easy back then but at least it was less complicated. I was still a student back then and all my responsibility is to study well and achieve great result in the end of every semester and I kinda did it. *Yey me!*

Towards the end of last year, I thought I had found something but unfortunately, it was found only to be lost again the next year. I once believed that I finally had it all but you can't always count on that because even on the top of the mountain you still will encounter wind and rain. For this matter, I haven't found the best solution yet so I can't really say much. But what I believe now is that it happened only to teach me a lesson so that I can do better next time.

It is in times like this, that you can finally look at things closer and think about them more clearly than you have ever done before. During those moments I learn that I can't control everything that happens to me and there are some circumstances that even though I try my best to avoid them, still in the end I find myself lost in it. But those things and situations are not there only to make my life miserable. There are far greater reasons why I have been put in the situations I am not comfortable to be or why I met people, trust them with my heart and found myself hurt in the end. Time has passed and I can't undone what has been done. The only thing left is my decision whether I still fall deep into grief or recover and learn from it only to be a better person.

One thing that I can't help to share with you is that although it feels like you are in this world alone and no one seems to be serious to fight with you in the battle, there's someone who is always faithful. Since the very beginning, He created you on purpose and before you were born and the very moment you were, He beamed with joy. He created you and trust me He is not the kind of creator who abandon His creation right after the creation fails to fulfil the designated purpose. He is the kind of creator who pursues us even in our darkness, take us back again on track, and walk together, side by side, until we finally reach the end of the track.

It is only because of His grace that I can still be here in this world, 100% healthy and still breathing. Through life, He has shown me His blessings, His favour and His faithfulness. Through tears and joy that I experience in life, God is gracious because that way I can see His faithfulness in my life and that is the only thing that makes this life worth living and fighting for. It is because I can see and I can learn to know and witness the presence of God in each and every moment of my life, whether it is joyful or hurtful moments. Trust me that although you are in the battle that does not seem to end soon, you need to cherish every tears from it because at times like that when you draw closer to God, He will draw closer to you. You might not seem to won the battle or worst you might seem to have lost all you have in the battle but when you can taste the presence of God even in those stormy nights, I guarantee that you have found the purpose of your battle in that very moment. That is to find Him and to know Him more personally in order to know that we are here in this world not merely to make a history but to live in such a way that through our lives, God is glorified.




Cheers,



Lil' Miss Something

Back Again :)

Hello my twisted world...

I have been gone for so long! Is it nearly a year or two? :\

The reason I haven't been posting something in my old blog is 

1. I completely have forgotten my log in details for my old one 
2. Lately I have been busy and I don't have any idea of what to write 

Apologise if any of you has been questioning about my posts...

Now I'm back on the track!

My new blog will be http://little-misssomething.blogspot.com.au/

You all are very welcome to come and visit, comment and also ask some questions or maybe you want to share it with friends. I'll be more than happy if you do so. :)

As I've been vanished for a really long time, I have so much in mind that I want to share with you guys!

To recap everything,

1. My name is still Vanessa! Haven't changed it, in case you guys might have forgotten me. :p
2. I'm still in Sydney, undertaking my bachelor degree in Professional Accounting. This is my last year and I'll be graduating this coming October! *yey!*
3. Besides going to uni, I also have some other activities in church and have a part time job
4. I've been in Sydney since October 2010 so I've stayed in Sydney for roughly 1.5 years.
5. I love Sydney and my small family I have here. <3 

Now as you have already had some ideas of who I am, where I am and what I'm doing at the moment, it is easier for me to share some stories with you in the next coming posts... :)

This is it for my come back and I'll see you guys in my next post.

stay blessed and safe... :)

Regards,

Lil' Miss Something 

Never Grow Up

Today I'm officially 40 days away from home..... :(
Remember my last post about Taylor Swift?
There's a song titled "Never Grow Up", this song really makes me cry and I just really want to come home.
Part of the song that I really like is

"Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room, memorize what is sounded like when your dad gets home, remember the footsteps, remember the words said, and all your lil' sister's favourite song, little brother's favorite toys. I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone. So here I am in my new apartment in a big city, wish I'd never grown up" 

I think I can feel the way Taylor felt when she wrote this song for her parents because if I had a chance to be a kid forever, it would be really nice. You don't have to face all the problems yourself because you mom and dad will help you for sure. Moreover, when you were child, mom and dad always understood what you want. it really makes everything seems so simple and easier than now.

"If the one you call best friend is the one who always understands you, your best friends are only GOD and your Mom"

I agree with that quotation because no matter how close you are with your friends, you are still fighting with each other if something doesn't go on your way. You still make mistakes and you can't easily forgive each other.

God knows you from the inside out so He always understands you and always leads you to the right way. The matter is we sometimes very stubborn and we don't believe in Him so we have some arguments with Him. It ends up when we just realized that He is right and we are wrong. The good thing is, you don't have to feel embarrassed because He always forgives us no matter how bad we are. 

It's just the same with our mom. No matter how bad we are, our mom is the first one who will forgive us even before we ask for forgiveness. The matter is just because our mom isn't God so sometimes she can't just understand our mind because we all change. It takes time for her to learn and then understand what we are thinking, and dealing with but eventually, she is the one who really understands us more than our best friends do.

Life is tough but it is simply just a game. 

There are always a ditch to make you more tougher

a turn right to make you wiser

and finally a U TURN to make you remember your family who always there whenever you need them.

*Miss you guys so much..:)

Cheers,

Lil' Miss Something